Liver cancer
posted by jaykay
06 October 2008

Dad has Liver Cancer

Last reply: 5 years ago

We have only recently found out that Dad has cancer 2.5 weeks ago. All the signs were there but we didn't want to see what was right in front of our eyes. Dad was in hospital for Two weeks he is home now but he seems so distant there is Mam ,myself 2 sisters and 1 brother we all feel so helpless as my Dad has always been a strong man and in a matter of weeks he has become a shadow of himself. I try to put it all to the back of my mind ( the mind is a marvelous thing) but then when the reality hits it makes it even harder to cope.My father has an Ulcer sitting on top of the liver and he is being given drugs to keep this under control. We had a little glimmer of hope a week or so back when the doc said that he may be a candidate for Chemo but that didn't last long as they then said that the type of tumour that it was the chemo would have no effect. The Docs reckon that he has had the tumour for several years going undetected as Dad has never been one for Doctors or hospitals the very first time he has ever been in hospital was when the cancer was discovered . I feel like I am in this horrible dream and can't wake up from it, I try to talk to my family and boyfriend about this but it is just too upsetting to have to face the fact that the Docs are not treating the cancer at all so I have to face my biggest fear that I may not have dad for much longer and that scares me so much. I feel like I am slowly going insane I don't know how to cope.

23 comments

Comments

commented by snake-lady
06 October 2008

5 years ago

hi jaykay, i had to answer your post just so you know youre not alone. this terrible disease makes us feel so isolated and sometimes it helps to know that we are not alone. im so sorry to hear about your dad. ive just lost my dad. he was buried 27th sept 08 so i know exactly what you are feeling. i wish i could say something to make you feel better but i know nothing can take away the fear youre feeling right now. all i can say is that im here if you need a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen if you need it so please dont hesitate to contact me, i check in regularly and always answer anyone who needs a chat. i am thinking of you and sending you a big cyber hug, will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, trisha.

commented by jaykay
07 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi Trisha, Many thanks that means a lot because I was feeling very isolated as I don't want to be upsetting my mam and siblings as we are all trying to deal with this. I went to my mother in laws last nite and had a good chat and cry and this sounds a little strange but I feel more focused this morning which is something I haven't felt in a while. I'm so sorry about your father I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through at this minute which is also making me realise I still have Dad and I should make each moment count.will keep in touch . Thanks xxxx

commented by SarahJ
07 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi JayKay I'm so very sorry to hear about your Dad's diagnosis. Like Trisha I lost my dad to cancer last month as well. I know exactly what you are going through it is a very distressing and lonely time. It terrible to hear first that your dad has cancer and then to hear that they can't give him any treatment for it. I know you might think this is a very strange thing to say but maybe its better that they are not going to give him any chemo if its not going to make him better. My dad went through years of surgery and treatment and in the end it just made him worse. The main thing is that your dad has have some sort of quality of life. Also you should try and spend as much time as you can with him now, I know that sometimes it seems easier just to run away and block it out but you will be glad you did later. Its good to know that you are not alone in this and there are people here who understand what you are going through. Sarah

commented by jaykay
07 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi Sarah, So sorry to hear about your Dad, It's so nice that you and Trisha have replied to my post it has made me realise that I'm not alone in this. I go to mam and dads everyday for lunch and a couple of evenings a week as my siblings visit too and I don't like over crowding him as it makes he quite tired. I'm having a good day today which is great and I have just spoken to my sis she is at dads now and he's having a good day too and has asked me to cut his hair today which is brill. I have always been quite close to dad as i'm the youngest but since the news we have both been avoiding the C word I think it's the fear of upsetting each other. but I know now that each day it will get easier to start talking about it, Take Care xxx

commented by jaykay
07 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi Trisha & Sarah . I was wrong I asked dad how he was feeling when I was there for Lunch and he replied " How do you think i'm feeling kate with this thing" ( he closed his eyes then which usually means I don't want to talk now.)and I just sat there and said absolutely nothing , driving back to work after lunch a load of things came into my head of what I could of said and I got so annoyed with myself in the result I ended up taking a panic attack when I got to work, going up to mam and dads later but don't think i'll bring the subject up again in the fear of going blank again. xxxx

commented by snake-lady
07 October 2008

5 years ago

oh jaykay, please dont get too upset at your dads sudden turn around pet, speaking from experience my dad was the same. he doesnt mean to hurt you, but hes going through a lot of emotions as well and in a way you should feel better that he knows he can take things out on you, it means he knows you love him enough to put up with it and come back to him. my dad did the same to me and although i was upset, i knew he didnt mean it. like you, im the baby of the family and although he would never say it, i was his blue eyed girl. im afraid the mood swings are just something we must put up with but remember there are going to be good days ahead of you both too. sending you a big cyber hug, trisha. :)

commented by SarahJ
08 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi Jay Kay you must remember that your dad is not angry at you he is angry at the cancer, he doesn't mean to take it out on you. There will be a lot of ups and downs your dad, you and your family will go through. There is no right thing to say when it comes to this disease so don't feel bad, I'm sure your dad is very glad you are there for him he is just not able to show that now. Also remember that you need support as well so talk to your boyfriend and your friends and if I can help you in anyway through this forum I will.

commented by jaykay
08 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi Trisha & Sarah , You both have no idea how much your replys are helping me so love and hugs to both of you. Mam rang me this morning at 7.30 I got such a fright as you do when the phone rings early in the morning but it was to ask me about Dads painkillers as he had been coughing through the night and his chest was a bit sore so I rang my sis to ask her if it was ok for him to take them which it was. The pain killer he is on is called Tramapine but it doesn't seem to have much effect so Mam rang St. Francis Hospice whom are dealing with Dads case and a nurse is coming out today to check him over and prescribe a different painkiller.Tensions are running a little high at the moment as one of my sis has become quite controlling and overbearing she seems to be trying to spend 24/7 at Mam and Dads and not giving them anytime alone yes I would want to be there 24/7 but I also respect my parents together time as they have been married 40 yrs and before all this we weren't there constantly I'm still popping in the same as I always have, but it is beginning to anger the rest of the clan including her daughter whom she is expecting to play housewife at home so that she can be at mams all the time, Need advice how to handle the situation. Love and Hugs Kate xxxxxx

commented by snake-lady
08 October 2008

5 years ago

hi jaykay, my sister was angry at me for the same reason. i on the other hand needed to be with my dad as much as possible because that was the only way i could cope. mum didnt mind me being there as dad was too ill to do anything for himself so i took a lot of the burden from her. i think your sister is trying to make up for lost time and maybe worries that her time left with your dad is going to be short. he knows you all love him the same but she is needing to reassure him of her love. by my own experience i think shes grieving already even though your dads still with you. in the coming weeks and months, you are all going to need each other so my advice is to let her cope the way she feels necessary, she isnt trying to take over or push the rest of you out. im thinking of you and your family, please take care of yourselves, love and hugs, trisha.

commented by jaykay
08 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi Trisha , I understand what you are saying but she has started bring healing priests up and is constantly going around with Rosary beads I personally think that she is in more denial than I am, It's just that I can see her own home life suffering , She started ranting and raving at my niece and nephew this morning telling them she wishes she had what Dad has and she wishes she were dead !!! my niece rang me as she was so angry of her mums behaviour , My niece is doing everything that she possibly can ( she is a mum herself) and it's still not good enough I don't know how this will come across but I thing she is unhappy with her life has been for a while now as her Husband can be quite selfish and I feel because of this she is escaping to mams to get away from it as she is moaning to mam about her husband and children and it's just getting too much I love her so much but I really think she does need to back off, I have Mum and Dad to think about and now this also it's driving me insane , How should I talk to her about it, Sorry if i'm melting your head .kate xxx

commented by SarahJ
08 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi JayKay my heart really goes out to you. I know that this disease can pull families apart because everybody has such a different way of dealing with it. All you can do is do what you think is right. If you think that visiting your parents but also giving them some time alone is the right thing to do then keep doing that. Your sister is obviously reacting very differently to you. Maybe you could talk to your mother first and see how she feels about your sister being there all the time and gauge it from there. Some people deal with cancer by wanting to be with the sick person all the time and then others just want to run away from it all. Its not an easy time for any of your family. I hope you are doing ok under the circumstances. Sarah

commented by jaykay
08 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi Sarah , Mam feels that my sis should be spending time with her own family too but I don't think me saying anything to sis is going to make any difference so I'm going to go to my other sis after work and have a chat with her and tell her what yourself and Trisha have mailed to me and that to leave her to it as it's her way of coping. I got to spend Lunchtime with Dad on my own which was great we had a good chat about things in general we didn't mention the C word I find it better that way and to be honest I think he does too it's a break from the norm for him. I noticed a good improvement in him today he was much more chatty and even singing !! so here's hoping things have made a turn around for the better. All we can do is take each day as it comes and thank God today is a good day which makes me feel much more at ease. I think i'm one of those people who try to run away from it to be honest and pretend it's not happening but as you've said thats how some cope and i'm only 10 mins in the car away from them if they need me.Thanks for being there for me . Love Kate xxx

commented by snake-lady
08 October 2008

5 years ago

hi kate, sorry i took a while to write back, ive been at the hospital visiting my mum. i hope you are feeling a bit happier and im glad you know now that youre not alone. we on this forum have been there, done that and got the tee-shirt as the saying goes. hope your dad is keeping well today too, by the way, how is your mum coping? my mum wasnt doing well at all so i printed out all the replies id had from everyone who spoke to me on here, and she cried because she could see how many people actually cared for someone they had never even met before. she asked me lots of questions about everyone and when i told her the stories of other people in the same position, she said her faith in humanity was restored. maybe you should try something similar for your mum too just so she wont feel alone either. anyway, i will go for now, but will speak to you soon. love, hugs and prayers for you and your family trisha x.

commented by jaykay
09 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi Trisha, I hope you Mam is ok. Today is a great day thank God, Dad had the best nights sleep and he has said that he is sick of having porridge for breakfast and wants something different, He has also agreed to take the Nutrition drinks that we got for him too which all along he has refused he has told us that he wants to get a bit of meat back on his bones !! The doctor from the hospital whom I spoke to last week regarding hormone medication to give him back his appetite rang this morning to say the prescription is at the surgery to be collected and he can start taking them which is wonderful news she has also called my Dad a remarkable man as when he was admitted to hospital they didn't hold out much hope for him but he has now come on such a great deal thank God. Mam had a chat with my sis this morning and told her gently that she needs to spend more time with her family and that her and Dad need time on their own to get back to normal, So Today is a very very good day. I will wait a little longer and then show mam the replies I have had from yourself and Sarah I can't express how much you's have helped me and I will always be eternally greatfull to you both. Love Kate xxx

commented by snake-lady
09 October 2008

5 years ago

glad to hear alls going well, and very happy that we could help. you know that we are only at the end of a computer line so youve no need to ever feel alone again. please contact us if you want advice or if you just need a shoulder, i know i did before and after my dad died. ive found a lot of good friends here and now you have too. i will leave it at that for now, lots of love and cyber hugs, trisha.

commented by jen
10 October 2008

5 years ago

i just wanna say to sarah and trisha, thanx for all the advice and support, this site is really stopping me from going crazy, and to jaykay my heartfelt sympathy, i know the utter fear your feeling and you arent alone pet, try not to think too much into the future, it will just drive you crazy.
jen x

commented by jaykay
22 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi Sarah Trisha and Jen , Things aren't looking to good we had to bring Dad to Hospital Sunday evening as he was vomiting up blood , He has been given a blood transfusion again and he has been put on strong antibiotics due to a severe Kidney and chest infection. The Docs have also decided to give him morphine , they have told us to take each day as it comes as they can't give us a time frame. It's heart breaking the Thing has spread to all organs now with the exception of his heart and brain he doesn't look like Dad anymore , I just wish God would take him now as he would be horrified if he could see what we do he's so helpless, the pain is like nothing that I nor my family have ever experienced before I feel so lost.

commented by SarahJ
23 October 2008

5 years ago

Hi JayKay sorry havent been in touch for a while. You poor thing I hope you are bearing up as ok as you can be at such a time. It was the same for my dad in the end it was horrible the amount of pain but the morphine did ease things and the fact that he is in hospital they will be able to monitor him closely and up the dosage if needs be.
There is noting that I can say to you to make this any easier and I'm sure Trisha is the same, if there was I would say it. You will just have to try and get through it as best you can. The fact that you have been so good to your dad will be of comfort to you and remember that you and your dad are in my thoughts.

commented by snake-lady
23 October 2008

5 years ago

oh jaykay, you poor wee thing, i know exactly what youre going through. it was the same for my dad with the exception of the transfusion. unfortunatly dad got infections as the immune system got so low. sarah is right though, the morphine is a blessing for your dad, even though hes out of it at least hes not feeling pain. i felt the same as you in that i wished it was over for my dad too but it was still a shock when he left us. all i can say is that we are here for you if or when you need us. i must admit, your thread has made me cry as it sounds just so familiar to what i was going through a month ago and i wouldnt wish that feeling on anyone. please be strong and know that sarah jen and myself are here for you. i will check in tonight if you need a chat [about 8.30]. please know that you are not alone in this, we are all here for you. love and hugs for all your family, trisha x.

commented by jaykay
03 November 2008

5 years ago

Hi Trisha Sarah and Jen just checking in to let you's know that Dad passed away on the 24th October it still feels so raw that I keep believing that he's gonna walk through the door any minute. Us four kids and Mam were with him at the end and he was still trying to hold on but Mam told him it was okay to go that we were letting him go and we would always look after each other but even while this was going on I kept looking at them and remember thinking you's are all mad my Da is not going to Die and when it did happen I have never been so shocked and frightened I still can't believe it I am full of so much anger it's overwelming me I don't know how to act or what to do I just want I last hug off my daddy and i'm never gonna get that I just wish I could have him back forever xxxx

commented by SarahJ
03 November 2008

5 years ago

Hi Jaykay I'm so sorry I just saw your post now. I am so very sorry that your Dad passed away, you poor thing. It's so hard I don't think anybody can even begin to describe the pain you feel when it happens. I think for me as well I thought everybody was mad as well when they were saying he was going to die, I didn't want to believe it either. I mean how can you get it in your head you will never see your Dad again. All I can say to you is I know what you are going through. All you can do is take each day as it comes and keep going.

Even though it has been 2 months I sill can't believe my Dad is gone and I want him back even if it was just for one more day. But you have to tell yourself that your Dad is in a better place now and isn't suffering anymore. I wouldn't have wanted my dad to live a minute longer in that sort of pain.

Its hard but try and keep busy, get out and meet your friends, talk about your Dad and don't be afraid to cry. I hope in time it gets easier for all of us who have lost our Dads. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. You are in my thoughts.

commented by snake-lady
03 November 2008

5 years ago

oh sweetie, im so sorry for your loss. i also understand your anger pet and its absolutly normal, i felt the same when my dad passed away. there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but know that we are all here for you if and when you need us. sending you [and your family] much love and prayers, trisha.

commented by georgina
21 January 2009

5 years ago

Hi

I have just joined this site this am, and see that you first posted this in october, my mum has just been diagnosed with secondary liver cancer (3 weeks ago), we had no idea she was so sick, she was with me in lanzarote in oct. for a week, about 5 weeks leading up to xmas she started feeling low in herself and went off her food, lost some weight, was attending the doc he said she was just depressed, brought her into hosp. on new years eve myself and we were told on the monday she had pancratic cancer spread to her liver, she is now at home and while she is weak she is eating well and on medication, they are not going to treat her cancer and she does not know herself, it is very hard on all the family and every time she feels tired or weak we think there is a change in her, she has only been given a few months so is very very hard to cope with this, would appreciate hearing from somebody in similar circumstances, thanks

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