feeling unsociable after recent recurrence...
Hi,
I have recently had more surgery for a recurrence of melanoma. It has been just over a year since my initial diagnosis and surgical treatment. I had my lymph nodes removed in my groin. My recent surgery was in early December. I found a lump in my groin which lit up on a pet scan and was removed. I don't know much about the results yet as I wanted to enjoy my Christmas so didn't ask many questions. I do know that, like many other cancers, melanoma is a big deal...
I am due to see my surgeon next Friday and after that I have a follow up appointment with my dermatologist who will discuss my situation with me and tell me what is in store for me in times ahead.
I did enjoy my Christmas, surrounding myself with family and home comforts, though I did have a lot of pain unfortunately due to arthritis. I realised a few days ago that I had made no effort to meet any friends over the holidays or do any socialising at all. (no-one made an effort to meet me either to be honest - cancer seems to keep some people at a distance, it seems).
Anyway, I went out to meet some people from work lastnight. ( I haven't been able to work for over a year now with rheumatoid arthritis, melanoma also making an appearance along the way of course.) I found myself becoming very anxious all day about meeting them and this really surprised me. I went, thinking it would be good for me, but found that I came home early and was feeling very anxious, almost upset about the experience.
I'm sure it was a mixture of emotions that came up for me. One, was that it brought home to me a huge part of my life that I have lost (I loved my job a lot and the people in it as much) and two., I felt like an outsider in their company. I'm sure they didn't notice but I found I had little to talk about that didn't involve doctors or pain, which has been a huge part of my life this past year. I tried not to refer to any of it but I did so automatically on one or two occasions. When I came home I was uneasy having spoken about my health. People, I feel don't want or need to hear my woes, especially when socialising.
And I am also aware that cancer is something that a lot of people are not comfortable being around.
I have suddenly realised since my recent surgery that my life has changed dramatically. I have been working so hard at staying positive and keeping that smile on my face and now I suddenly feel completely detached from the real world. I am beginning to not want to meet anybody who is not family or close friends. is this a stage i'm going through or should I be concerned? I'm hoping it is just part of living with cancer and that I will become sociable again in time. I hate the thought of having to endure counselling and face more emotional stuff 
but I really don't want to withdraw too much as I'm guessing that's a slippery slope ...
Anne
Comments
Hi Anne,
From my own experience, people found it awkward to speak to me about my cancer. I was recently diagnosed and am working on a part time basis for as long as I can. When I first went back to work after my bit of news, people avoided making eye contact and seemed embarrassed to carry on a conversation like before. I had to take the bull by the horns as their silence was deafening, I cracked a bit of a joke about what was going on and it broke the ice. That was two weeks ago, the more open I have been with them has eased their awkwardness and all seems to be more normal. If people know you don't mind talking about your cancer they may be more at ease talking to you. I put myself in their position and can understand their reaction, they were just being cautious in case they upset me, most likely.
Hope all goes well tomorrow.
Georgie
Thanks encee and Georgie,
Yes, I agree the problem was to do with both parties. If I'm honest, I don't like talking about my health in a public forum. I don't like the attention and I'd prefer to forget about it while socialising.
After posting my original message, panicking over my anxiety, I read the Irish Cancer Society's booklet on the emotional side of cancer and I discovered that 'withdrawing' and all that goes with it is completely normal from time to time.
I happened to be unwell the following week and had to visit my G.P. I mentioned how I was shocked about how awkward I felt amongst my workmates. She assured me, again, that this was completely normal. I think I needed to take time out myself to stop and take stock of all that has happened over the last few months, ie.recurrence. I am feeling happier and more relaxed again now, thankfully.
I had my meeting with the surgeon but I really didn't learn much more about my case. I have requested all my medical reports and will have them well studied before I have an official chat with my specialist in two weeks time.
Thanks again for your support. I hope ye are doing well yourselves.
Anne
I'm delighted you're talking to "professionals", as well as talking to us here - it sounds like you are in a better place Anne.
My motto is deal with things day by day, and sometimes I just ask myself to get through the hour - I just have to ground myself when I go a bit haywire!
I was in terrible form this time last year; I think January must be a wicked month for me as I'm like a bear these last few weeks but it's because I'm back in college and have assignments coming out of every orifice!! Having said that, I'm loving it & find that my brain power has come back & functioning well again.... Still exhausted though - I guess that will change with time.
Take care, mind yourself Anne x
Thanks encee,
You are so right about the one day at a time moto, and sometimes having to take it one hour at a time. I hope the Spring brings much sunshine and cheer to you!
Anne
P.S. I had a quick look through your medical profile and loved that you are '41 years young' Me too !
Hi Anne
Hoping that the outcome of Friday is ok for you.
On the whole social aspect, just to zone in on how you felt after your night out with your work colleagues.... I'm wondering if the awkwardness was more to do with the time lapse than to do with dealing with your cancer? I think you are right when you say people are awkward about dealing with discussing cancer, but I'd be willing to put money on the possibility that maybe some of your work buddies would love to talk to you about your situation but maybe we're waiting to take cues from you. And with you being out for a while, I'm sure so much has gone one for you all that trying to get back into the swing about it takes practice.... It's like getting to know one another all over again?
And I know you are probably sick to your teeth of it being suggested but would you be able to get in touch with a local cancer support centre? Sometimes the more you talk about it, the better it can be because you can get so many perspectives.
However, all that aside, my heart goes out to you, because I'm sure that you don't want to be defined by illness. I'm not sure that I have been of any help but I don't want you thinking you are alone with this xx