Caring for someone with cancer
posted by ShaneK
04 February 2023

Family in denial

Last reply: 08 February 2023 16:09

Hello. My dad was recently diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We have just been told that it is now terminal and his life expectancy is very short. This has come as a complete shock and my Dad and I have come to accept this diagnosis, however my sister has been in denial ever since. We also lost our mother when we were young to cancer and there is a lot of unresolved trauma so I understand why my sister is finding it so difficult to accept. My sister and I love our dad very much and we are a very close family. We our trying our best to care for him at home and keep him safe, however we are both doing this in different ways. I am trying to help my dad be as comfortable as possible and want to spend as much quality time with him as I can before he goes. I want to have the much needed and very difficult conversations with him to ensure we grant him all his wishes for whatever remaining time he has here. My sister is trying to wrap my dad up in a bubble and protect him in the hope that a miracle comes along and saves him. She is avoiding any difficult conversations and I feel my dad is scared to talk to her in fear of upsetting her. I'm worried that one day she will look back and realize she wasted all of her time with my dad clinging onto false hope instead of enjoying the time she has left with him. If she knows that I've spoken to my dad about death or end of life wishes she gets very angry thinking that I'm scaring my dad and making him loose hope on getting better. I understand she is scared and I have tried to talk to her but I think she is so far in denial the conversations may break us apart. I have never fought with my sister but we have had a couple of intense conversations the last two weeks. I worry for my Dad and I worry for my sister and I hope someone can give me advice on how to deal with this situation. I mostly want my Dad to know we will be okay and for him to be able to talk to us about his fears and what he wants for the remainder of his life

1 comment

Comments

commented by Cancer Nurse
08 February 2023

08 February 2023 16:09

Dear Shanek

Thank you for posting on our online community. I am hoping you will hear from others soon. I am very sorry to hear how ill your Dad is. It is so hard for you all.

Of course everyone deals with a terminal diagnosis in their own way. I can hear your concern for your sister. You are being very understanding and it must be so hard for you. It would be very good to talk to you on the phone . We are all cancer nurses on our support line and we are here Mon-Fri 9-5pm at 1800 200 700.

When we are talking you can tell us whether your sister has spoken to your Dad’s GP about his illness. You could also tell us  whether counselling is something she might consider. Counselling is something we can provide, this is a free service also available in your local cancer support centre.

I don’t know if the community palliative care team have met with your Dad yet. They too can provide emotional support to your sister.  We would also have booklets we could post to you around this subject. These are some of the ways one can get support.

Reading your post you are being very compassionate to both your Dad and your sister. You might consider counselling too-if only for support on how to be with your sister when she is dealing with this, in a very different way to you. Families do react differently and of course your Dad understands this too. Nonetheless it would be good to help in any way we can.

I do hope we will hear from you on our support line.

Kind regards

Cancer Nurse

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