Delayed grieving
I lost my Mam a year ago to ovarian cancer, and got through the first year fine, but I'm finding this year harder - it's as though I never really grieved her properly the first time around. I was so focused on 'getting through' that I never really stopped to see what 'getting through' meant. Now I feel so far away from her, but yet I can't stop thinking about her. I want to remember her as she was (a brilliant and beautiful woman), but can't get past the hospital for her final days, or the way she looked at me and held my hand just before she went into her final coma. I know this is all probably very normal, but I really wanted to know for sure if anyone else is going through something like this, and what you are doing.
I'm not sure if counselling would help. I know what is wrong with me - I miss my Mam, and don't want to be without her. What can counselling do to change that?
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Hi Sarah,
I too lost my mam in May of last year.I know exactly how you feel.I still cant actually believe what has happened and that she is just gone. I personally cannot bring myself to get counselling, the thoughts of it makes my stomach turn, its just the idea of talking about her and really I suppose its because I dont want to come to terms with it. Its so hard to take it all in. I too miss her sorely and I cannot decide whether Im in denial/shocked still.
Thanks for your replies.
I tried counselling - I'm in college as a mature student, and was missing a lot of classes because of what I was going through, so ended up going to the student advisor, who directed me to a free counselling service provided by the college. I only went to one session - I couldn't bring myself to return.
I found it very difficult - to me, it felt as though he was trying to find 'reasons' as to why I was finding things so difficult, when to me, the only 'reason' that exists is that I miss my Mam, and still find it hard to be without her. I felt that he kept trying to say that my family put too much on me, or that people relied too much on me for their strength, but the way I feel is that my family and I are going through this together, and therefore SHOULD be there for each other. He also kept asking questions about Mam, but just didn't get what I was trying to tell him about her death - about being in the hospital with her when she died, and about her treatment, and about the cancer itself, and about my fears for myself and my two sisters because of the hereditary nature of ovarian cancer.
So, I think I will take your advice, Marianne, and seek some specifically cancer-related counselling, because speaking to a 'general' counselor didn't help at all - in fact, it just made me more upset, and a little bit angry.
I'm doing better today, but it's a day by day thing. I just planted a flower in the virtual garden for the Irish Cancer Society, and found that writing a message to Mam helped a lot.
I guess taking it day-by-day is really the only option we have!
Hi Sarah - sorry to hear of your loss. Not sure where you are based, but do you have a cancer support centre near you? I would contact them re: bereavement counselling. At the end of the day counselling is just talking, and it's always good to talk. Best wishes, Marianne.