BEING HONEST AT LAST!

Hi Sunshine,

Thank you for your very open and heartfelt post. It certainly struck a chord with me. I hope the rest of your treatment and recovery goes well.

Hugs

Kath

It's good to read honesty and I doubt if any of us haven't felt the same at some stage. I lost a friend to ovarian cancer last Tuesday and it knocked me for six. I now know why my friends were reluctant to tell me how bad she was. Got through the funeral on Friday but sat was I on a downer? Never felt as low, felt so vulnerable, lucky, guilty, all sorts of feelings. She was only sick since middle of jan and she's dead within weeks. Think you feel it more when you've come close to cancer yourself. I think I will go for counselling too as I think everyone needs a certain amount if it, us women try to cope with these things as we think we are strong, but we are only human.

I hear ya Sunshine!
But to be fair, I also think that we don't know any other way of dealing with things other than put on a brave face, plus I'm sure most of us don't have a choice when it comes to family but to try and keep the show on the road.
I'm in the same place, as the past few months went on I was feeling more and more tired, and couldnt understand it - after all, in my head as time went on shouldn't I be feeling better and have more energy. This is what started the ball rolling for me. That led to me doubting my ability to do my job, be a good mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend as I just hadn't the reserves to do it all. Eventually, after talking with my boss, GP, and Oncology liason nurse, I have gone out on indefinite sick leave. I'm back getting counselling and reflexology in the cancer support centre, and I'm waiting for an appointment to meet the oncology psychologist. I know there is no quick fix for how I'm feeling, but at least by dealing with the emotional skeletons in the cupboard, then I will be able to pick myself up and continue to enjoy my wonderful life. My GP hasn't ruled out anti-depressants but by taking time out from work, at least I don't have to worry about that & it had relieved some of the stress.
All in all though, I'm in good shape but if I can get rid of this terrible fatigue that is just dragging me down, then I'll be a very happy woman!
Good health to you xxx

It's not easy for any of us and maybe we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves and expecting to be good. It's traumatic what we've been through

Hi ladies
Sunshine, thank you so much for your honesty. I have disappeared off the forum for the last while because I just couldn't be honest and say how low I've been feeling. It seems ridiculous that I've managed the surgery, chemo and radiation and now when it's all done, I've been falling apart. I tried to ring in a new year pretending to myself that it's all behind me and I'm normal now. I wore myself out trying to catch up with meeting people and take on all the household tasks and so many days I've ended up exhausted and in tears. I realised in the last couple of weeks that I can't just flick a switch back to my old life. I'm managing a bit better now by planning my day more carefully, like not meeting up with friends for coffee on the same day I have to do grocery shopping!
I was back for radiation follow up last week and I had was a ball of stress beforehand. Think I'll never face a hospital appt ever again without the worry of bad news. I even got my appt already for 1 yr repeat scans which isn't for 4 more months and I couldn't sleep for 3 nights worrying about them!
Anyway, I'm glad to be back in touch with you all. I have lots of hair colouring/ facial hair/tamoxifen/diet/supplements etc etc questions to follow....but not tonight.
Best wishes to all,
Josephine

Sunshine,
Your post really struck home with me. The first paragraph described me perfectly. Although I'm only starting on the cancer journey it was me exactly a few months ago when going thru another tough time in my life.
So many people have said to me how strong I am since my diagnosis but I know that although on the outside I seem like I'm coping with everything I know I'm teetering on the edge and something small can really throw me. But also as women I think it's in us to be strong especially when we're trying to take care if others, kids, partners etc.
Thank you for being so honest.
Take care of yourself x

Thank you ladies for your wonderfully honest posts. I have not been on this forum for many weeks now as I am finding chemo so awful. And I am only halfway there yet!
There are many days when I am so emotional and so tearful and I have had to put on a brave face for my daughters and husband, but by God there have been days when I have been screaming on the inside.
I just feel so awful on the chemo and wonder if I will ever again feel normal or have the energy to even go back to work again.
It is great to know that others are feeling like crap too and are not ashamed to say it.

Again thank you for your honesty xxx

Oh anriocht come on to the forum if you are up to it and moan and tell us how you're feeling. I and other women on here will tell you , yes it is awful but the great thing is you will feel well again and you will go back to work. I finished on 31st dec and I had a horrible time, tiredness, nausea , taste on my mouth, constipation, diarrhoea the works and vomiting bug in the middle of it all but now I am getting my energy back just back from Dundrum shopping centre and we are taking a well earned break to lanzarote on sat week before I start radiotherapy . Have you many chemos to go? It's an endurance and you will look back on it as you are getting on with your life and be proud you got through it. It's only those that have experienced it can relate to how you are feeling and my sympathies are with you but it's only temporary and it will be over and we are all here for you , chin up xxxx tell them how you are feeling my last two chemos were reduced by 20% I was having such a horrible time xxxx

[quote="sunshine71":3dvs1f3q][color=#8000BF:3dvs1f3q]At last, after all these months, when someone asks me how I am I am telling the truth. 'Its fine', 'I'm managing' etc. was my standard response when someone asked how I was. But inside I was crumbling. It came to a head last week. My moods were very low. I was getting upset and cross very easily. I hadn't the same patience with the children. I was only waiting for bedtime to close my eyes and sleep. Due to different procedures I have slept on my own a lot as I have been sore and restless. I have been up during the night a lot with hot flashes from menopausal symptoms and basically having hit and miss sleep. My other half finds it easier to get a good nights sleep on his own so he can manage the next day, which can be exhausting for him, looking out for me and the children.

So I finally realised what I was feeling wasn't good or right for me. I am coping with chemotherapy pretty well I think. I've no fear of needles or the drugs now. I've given my body over to the chemotherapy literally. But the emotional stuff I couldn't deal with so easily and my mind was spiraling downwards with sadness. My doctor wasn't surprised to see me..in fact she wondered how I'd kept going so strong for so long. She prescribed antidepressants which came as no surprise to me. I felt a bit annoyed that I couldn't cope on my own but realised I couldn't go on the way I was feeling either. I'm also accessing counselling support from my local cancer support centre and with the support of my doctor and cancer support counseller I feel I can now move forward.

When someone asks me now 'how are you' I tell them the truth and it feels good to be honest. Even the oncology nurse said she knew I was putting on a brave, strong face but she did wonder also how I was keeping up the 'strong' side. So I've also told her the truth about how low I felt.

I suppose I'm sharing this so that if anyone else is feeling the same I would advise speak to someone, go to your GP etc. Having cancer is tough. It does take up so much time in your life. Your body can change so much from physically loosing your breasts, hair etc. to emotionally changes like how you feel about having cancer and how it effects you and your family. I wanted to be so strong and to get through this. Now I realise I might need more help than I wanted to do this. But its okay to ask for help and support and its okay to say 'I'm feeling crap'. [/color:3dvs1f3q][/quote:3dvs1f3q]

JUST want to say how good it was for me to read all of your comments I often wish that we here could click "like" on the different posts .
Veronica

Veronica,

how true, have gotten a lot out of this post, wasn't ready to bare all on the forum with my own feelings but really appreciate the honesty & relate to it all. For my part I went to counselling & also found mindfullness helped. My life has totally changed course because of this experience. Thank you all for enabling me to say this.

Thank you Wicklow Lady, that is exactly how I am now, all the symptoms you had and lots more. Topped off this week by a very nasty chest infection, cough has me worn out. My energy levels are just so low and in last 5/6 days, my finger nails are killing me. I cannot put any pressure on them at all.

Finished AC week before last, starting on Taxol (x 4) next week. Oncologist told me this is not as hard on tummy, (we'll see!) but does cause more aches and pains.

Hard sometimes to focus on finish line, but your post has given me strength and so good to hear that your energy levels are returning and that you've been to Dundrum! I can hardly go to local shop these days, it really takes it out of me.

Enjoy your trip to Lanzarote....good on you!

xx

[color=#000080:8q518sn5]What can I say only thank you other brave people for being so honest too. We are all human and much as we may want to look 'super in control' there are times when its just too hard. I've got great strength from reading all your posts too....I suppose that's what this online support is for.....just that.

Things have got so much better since my last post. I feel now I have really taken control of whats happening to my body, inside and out. I have made big efforts to get 'back into life' so to speak and not lock myself away to cope on my own. I feel so much happier in myself. I have gone out of my way to contact people and let them know how I really am and hey..no-one dis-owned me yet!

I've also embraced whats out there to help and have started to link in more with my local cancer support service. I've been very reluctant to 'join in' as in my own mind I wasn't going to be your typical cancer person. I was going to keep going as normal and not let it change my life too much. But in the process of being brutally honest with myself I have to acknowledge it has changed my life, and me. I went to a relaxation class for the first time last week. It felt like a first day at a new job...I was pretty nervous. But I have to say it was AMAZING. It did what it said on the tin. It relaxed me no end. I left feeling great in myself and went off into town feeling a million dollars...granted was tired again in no time but that brief feeling of wellbeing was great.

On another positive I finished chemo too.....yipee! Have radiation ahead of me but I have learnt so much along the way- I'm not afraid of treatments like I initially was. The first day of chemo I literally fought back the tears as they put the needle in my arm and I saw the first drops of liquid flow through the tube....it was the beginning of the end I thought. Fast forward 24 weeks and its my last chemo. I smiled as I walked through the door and was giddy with excitement as I saw the liquid start to flow through the tubes. I've come a long way. I never imagined I'd accept having chemo or smile as it flowed. I left the oncology unit that day feeling so proud of how far I'd come. After numerous needle pricks, a fear of needles changing to a couldn't care less about needles; bloods taken out and chemo put in, portacath in,portacath out; picc line in, neutropenia, flu and arm swelling for good measure,I was done.

Its true that time passes but its one hell of a rollercoaster when its happening. But I can say hand on heart I'm now feeling able for it all. I feel strong and I keep telling myself when it feels hard 'I'M ALIVE'. I would wish I didn't have to go through this but if this is what it takes to give me better odds then I'm doing it for sure. [/color:8q518sn5]

Hi Sunshine,
I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better. I could have wrote parts of your post myself. It's great to know that everything we feel on the "bad days" is normal and others have got through it and came out the other side. Since my diagnosis last May my life has changed but I firmly believe I have become a better and stronger person as a result of my journey.
Wishing you only the best,

Shirls

Hi new member diagnosed with breast cancer in aug 2012 grade 2 invasive lumpectomy followed by radiation for 4 weeks er+ tamoxifen 5 years was good to read your comments as I too keep saying I'm fine when inside I'm screaming.was starting to feel a bit better and then got a cyst which was drained but it really brings back the fear of it returning. I also have a frozen shoulder is this common

Elizo,

Frozen shoulder could be a combo of surgery and/ or rads. It may need physio intervention. If you have contact details of a breast care nurse perhaps start there. You may only need 2 or so physio sessions and exercises to loosen out shoulder. Where did you have your surgery?

In terms of head health, have you tried any counselling? I did 2 sessions in Beaumont ( reluctantly I must admit) but actually I found it a huge relief to talk to someone impartial and for them to confirm my fears were totally normal.

I was also lucky to find another group of ladies who had walked the same path ahead of me. Their help made the journey and the aftermath do-able! So connect with there if you can. It can't but help.

Hi lindylu
Thanks so much for replying I had my surgery in James's hospital cannot say enough about them they were brilliant. I find it very hard to look for help that's why I joined this site .i saw a phsio in James's will be going back shortly. I am one of the "lucky" ones as I did not need chemo as I have a low risk of the cancer returning but that doesn't stop me worrying. As you suggested I might try counsilling.iam living in Meath.
Liz

this place is supposed to be great. Know of two ladies who used it and found it excellent.
http://www.gkcancersupport.com/

Else there may be one nearer you in Meath.

Good luck

Lindylu

Hi lindylu
thanks again for advise I rang daffodil centre and they told me to try arc centre in Eccles st. As I live in enfield this will probably be nearest place for me.sorry for moaning on site you seem to have been through the wars yourself.
Liz