When to give up work/college to look after someone?
I am looking for advice from people who have experience caring for a relative - about how feasible it is to start a full time course and look after my dad.
My Dad has been diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer in both lungs. We have no details of the treatment options for him yet, but I need to make a decision regarding my college degree course that I am due to start this week.
I am a mature student going back to university full time this week as the start of a complete career change, and I do not know whether to defer for a year. If his cancer is terminal I want to be in a position to spend as much time with my dad as possible, and as he lives a 4 hour drive from my home in Dublin I don't see how I could do that with a full time college course. If his cancer is treatable he will be based in Dublin and it could be more do-able.
I have experience of helping look after my sister when she had (and sadly, died from) cancer last year. At that time I was working full time, and while I found it difficult to come home to be supportive of her after a days work sometime, I think I will find it more difficult to be a student in this situation because it requires alot of mental focus and energy, and it is not confined to a 9 to 5 time frame.
My sister is not working and is available to help caring for him, but it is just the two of us. Neither of us have children and our own families yet, and If I was to defer I would be able to support myself.
How do other families manage? Please share your experiences with me!
Thank you so much
Dear Lara,
Best of wishes to your Dad.
If it is possible you should make your decision after your Dad has had all his scans and MRI etc and met with his consultant. The consultant may give him a prognosis. My Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer which had spread to 3 bones. He was told that with treatment he would live for 5 to 7 years. My Dad had a very good 3 years, where he continued to do some work on the farm and drive. He did not need any physical care.
I myself began a full time course last September. My Dad became very sick at Christmas. It later became clear the cancer was spreading. Between Christmas and April he was sick on and off. In April he was admitted to a hospice. Since last April he has never been the same and needs full time care.
I have taken time off the course and tried to find work.
If I had known that my Dad's health would get worse at Christmas I would not have left my job and started a course. I felt I missed out on a lot of time with my Dad between September to April this year when I finally left the course. The coursework took up the majority of my time and my attention. I am also upset that I cannot help out financially more since I gave up my job to do the course.
My advice would be to do your best to stay close to your Dad at this time and get as much information on his prognosis, treatment, quality of life during and after treatment, quality of life if treatment is not possible. It is also worth finding out about your course, in terms of being able to take time out etc. Once you know more about his treatment and prognosis it should be easier to make a decision. I wish I had found out all these details before I started my course.