My dad is dying of tongue cancer and it's horrible to watch. I've seen an independent, intelligent, kind, caring, happy and strong man crumble to someone to a frail and distant version of himself. Dad had a wonderful life and had an extremely was an extremely successful chef and entrepreneur. A man who's life revolved around food now has to rely on a tube for nourishment. A man who enjoyed going for country walks and rambles with his children and the dog can now walk little further than to the front door and it kills me. He is the kindest most genuine human being I have ever met and has the biggest heart in the world for both humans and animals. I have always admired him and grown up so close to him. He was my rock and now the closest person in the world to me is dying. I can't accept it and I don't know how to deal with it.
I find I just can't open up to my friends or family properly. I can't open up to anyone. The worst part is that I seem to be removing myself from Dad. I try and get out of the house every evening or go up to my room and on the weekends I make sure I have plans to go out so as not to be at home. It's like I'm pushing myself away from him but I don't know why. This time is precious and I do know that I have little time with him but I think it's almost a coping mechanism or something. I love my Dad so so much and I know he wants me around more. I find myself snappy at times and at other times just convulsively crying in my room.
I live at home with my Dad and my mum but I don't, nor have I ever gotten on so well with my mum. We fight all the time and I can barely stand to be in the same room with her for a period of time. What makes me hate her so much I think is that she treats Dad like a patient - she's a nurse! She coddles him and is often uses condescending gestures and words to him and he hates it, especially as such a formerly independent and proud man. But he feels he owes it to her for her care and is too weak for an argument over it. My half-sister, whom i love dearly is a doctor but my mother will not listen to anything she has to say. My mother, being a nurse thinks she knows best. However, she managed to miss a near-fatal infection dad had a few months ago that was only brought to the fore when my sister came home after I rang her to say Dad was terrible.
I don't know if anyone will read this or indeed understand my situation but it would be nice to know that someone might be listening. I think I really need someone professional to talk to but I can't afford it myself and I don't want to ask my mother for the money. I'm afraid of how im pushing dad away and I just don't know how I will cope when i loose him. The thought of him dying makes me feel that my life is not worth living once he's gone.
I can't cope.