I can't accept it - I can't imagine life without Dad

February 25, 2009 - 21:15

My dad is dying of tongue cancer and it's horrible to watch. I've seen an independent, intelligent, kind, caring, happy and strong man crumble to someone to a frail and distant version of himself. Dad had a wonderful life and had an extremely was an extremely successful chef and entrepreneur. A man who's life revolved around food now has to rely on a tube for nourishment. A man who enjoyed going for country walks and rambles with his children and the dog can now walk little further than to the front door and it kills me. He is the kindest most genuine human being I have ever met and has the biggest heart in the world for both humans and animals. I have always admired him and grown up so close to him. He was my rock and now the closest person in the world to me is dying. I can't accept it and I don't know how to deal with it.

I find I just can't open up to my friends or family properly. I can't open up to anyone. The worst part is that I seem to be removing myself from Dad. I try and get out of the house every evening or go up to my room and on the weekends I make sure I have plans to go out so as not to be at home. It's like I'm pushing myself away from him but I don't know why. This time is precious and I do know that I have little time with him but I think it's almost a coping mechanism or something. I love my Dad so so much and I know he wants me around more. I find myself snappy at times and at other times just convulsively crying in my room.

I live at home with my Dad and my mum but I don't, nor have I ever gotten on so well with my mum. We fight all the time and I can barely stand to be in the same room with her for a period of time. What makes me hate her so much I think is that she treats Dad like a patient - she's a nurse! She coddles him and is often uses condescending gestures and words to him and he hates it, especially as such a formerly independent and proud man. But he feels he owes it to her for her care and is too weak for an argument over it. My half-sister, whom i love dearly is a doctor but my mother will not listen to anything she has to say. My mother, being a nurse thinks she knows best. However, she managed to miss a near-fatal infection dad had a few months ago that was only brought to the fore when my sister came home after I rang her to say Dad was terrible.

I don't know if anyone will read this or indeed understand my situation but it would be nice to know that someone might be listening. I think I really need someone professional to talk to but I can't afford it myself and I don't want to ask my mother for the money. I'm afraid of how im pushing dad away and I just don't know how I will cope when i loose him. The thought of him dying makes me feel that my life is not worth living once he's gone.

I can't cope.

February 26, 2009 - 23:30

Hi Lucy
I am most definitely listening to you but I can't find the right words to console you. All I can say is I am so sorry you are going through this. We haven't been told my mum's cancer is terminal yet, but I think we are not too far from that point now. I am 21 and still live with my mum. My dad left us a long time ago and she did everything for us. She is the center of my life, and of my brother's lives, and I can't imagine how we will feel when we come to be in your position. I don't think there is anything I could say to make you feel better, except maybe that you are not alone in your pain and that maybe posting here and talking to people who are in similar situations will be helpful to you. Also, it sounds like it would be a great idea if you did go to talk to someone. I just read on the ICS website that they provide free counselling sessions for family members of patients. Maybe that would be suitable for you?

February 27, 2009 - 15:16

Hi Lucy
I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. I know exactly what you are going through as I went through the same thing last year with my dad who passed away from cancer. You are going through one of the worst times of your life at the moment. I know how it feels to want to run away from it all as it is so difficult to watch someone you love who was a strong person all his lfie get weaker and sicker every day. Its not easy, please don't beat yourself up over it what you are feeling is normal. Everybody reacts in different ways some people want to be around all the time and fuss over the patient but like me and you it just seemed easier to shut it all out like it wasn't going to happen.
I know this is hard to believe right now and if somebody told me this when my dad was dying I wouldn't have believed it either, but you will cope when the worst happens and all though it will be very tough at first and there will be days when it all seems hopeless it will get a bit easier with time I promise you that.
I know its hard Lucy but you should try and spend more time with your dad now when you have the chance you don't want to look back when he is gone and wish you could have spent an hour or 2 longer with him every day.
You should also get in contact with the cancer nurses on this site they might able to put you in touch with some free counselling services.
I met some great people on this site Trisha and Katie, we all lost out dads around the same time so there are people out there who know what you are going through.
I hope I can help you in some small way.
Take care
Sarah

February 27, 2009 - 16:57

Hi, Lucy & ruth1,
So sorry to hear yor news. It is so hard to take it all in. I lost my mum exactly a month ago.
It is so important to talk to people. Keeping it all bottled in doesn't help. I don't have any brothers or sisters, so it is hard to find to find someone to talk to. Other family members & my husband are good listeners. You will meet people on this site who have had the same experiences as ourselves. Sarah & the others have been through it before us & are only to happy to talk.
I would recommend spending as much time as you can with your folks. I did that with my Mum & am so glad I did.
Gotta go
Keep in touch.

April 14, 2009 - 17:53

Hi everyone,
Thank God for this message board, Ive been reading through alot of the topics and it seems alot of people here have either no one else to talk to or dont want to talk to anyone else about what they are going through.I too am the same.
My mother was diagnosed with secondary cancer almost 2 years ago exactly.She first had cancer about 10 years ago and after an initial misdiagnosis in the hospital in Limerick.. she was again diagnosed with cancer starting in the lymph nodes.It has since spread to her liver,brain,lungs and bones and obviously, is terminal.For having such an extensive amount of cancer in her body, I am amazed she is even still with us. Ive been asked to talk to the Home Care Team/Counsellors etc about my feelings but talking about it with someone makes it real, and Im not ready to face up to that yet.
Obviously, I know this is probably her last few months with us but in my mind, I think shes going to miraculously come out of it.Ive cut back my hours alot at work to help my dad look after her as he has given up his own job to become her full time carer and I spend every spare minute with her but I too find it unimaginable to think that soon, it'll be just me and dad.She has become my best friend in the last 2 years and I cry myself to sleep most nights.I feel sick thinking about whats to come and I really need someone in a similar situation to talk to.
I know your out there!.

April 14, 2009 - 22:55

Hi Bubbles,

My mother was diagnoised with gastric cancer in Nov 08 & past away about 10 days ago. From what you said in your email, a lot of it was the same for me. My dad gave up work to look after my mum even though she was in hospital since Nov. We were offered counselling in the hospital but like you i did not feel comfortable talking to them as it would make it real. My mum fought the cancer all the way and astoned the doctors lots of times.

All i can advise you to do is to spend as much time as you can with her and take it one day at a time. There is no magic cure for what you are going through but i have found that when i am having a bad day, i go online on this site and there are several people ready to listen and help you.

It's one of the hardest things you will go through but you will find the strength to get through this when you have to. Just do it one step at a time.

Best Wishes

Marcella

April 16, 2009 - 20:01

Hi Bubbles,

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. But never feel that there is noon to talk to, it sounds like your really going through the mill the moment, all I can say is even though your Dad isn't the same person that you know him to be you still need to cherish what time you still have with him, my mother died of breast cancer 11 yrs ago when I was 15yr we were kept in the dark about the whold thing as to how ill so really was andI regret not been able to sit with her for the last few weeks or her illness so as difficult and as painful as it is for you right now please try to make to most of what you have a present. I've been there and I know how horrid it is and everyone deals with these situations differently, by the sounds of it you not wanting to be around the house is only natural but please take my advice and cherish him and the time you have.
I know it'll be difficult but when you look back on this time after the years pass by you will still remember your Dad for that strong independent man that was your Dad.

Thinking of you,

Michelle

April 26, 2009 - 03:06

lucy09 wrote:
My dad is dying of tongue cancer and it's horrible to watch. I've seen an independent, intelligent, kind, caring, happy and strong man crumble to someone to a frail and distant version of himself. Dad had a wonderful life and had an extremely was an extremely successful chef and entrepreneur. A man who's life revolved around food now has to rely on a tube for nourishment. A man who enjoyed going for country walks and rambles with his children and the dog can now walk little further than to the front door and it kills me. He is the kindest most genuine human being I have ever met and has the biggest heart in the world for both humans and animals. I have always admired him and grown up so close to him. He was my rock and now the closest person in the world to me is dying. I can't accept it and I don't know how to deal with it.

I find I just can't open up to my friends or family properly. I can't open up to anyone. The worst part is that I seem to be removing myself from Dad. I try and get out of the house every evening or go up to my room and on the weekends I make sure I have plans to go out so as not to be at home. It's like I'm pushing myself away from him but I don't know why. This time is precious and I do know that I have little time with him but I think it's almost a coping mechanism or something. I love my Dad so so much and I know he wants me around more. I find myself snappy at times and at other times just convulsively crying in my room.

I live at home with my Dad and my mum but I don't, nor have I ever gotten on so well with my mum. We fight all the time and I can barely stand to be in the same room with her for a period of time. What makes me hate her so much I think is that she treats Dad like a patient - she's a nurse! She coddles him and is often uses condescending gestures and words to him and he hates it, especially as such a formerly independent and proud man. But he feels he owes it to her for her care and is too weak for an argument over it. My half-sister, whom i love dearly is a doctor but my mother will not listen to anything she has to say. My mother, being a nurse thinks she knows best. However, she managed to miss a near-fatal infection dad had a few months ago that was only brought to the fore when my sister came home after I rang her to say Dad was terrible.

I don't know if anyone will read this or indeed understand my situation but it would be nice to know that someone might be listening. I think I really need someone professional to talk to but I can't afford it myself and I don't want to ask my mother for the money. I'm afraid of how im pushing dad away and I just don't know how I will cope when i loose him. The thought of him dying makes me feel that my life is not worth living once he's gone.

I can't cope.

i am so sorry to read this my aunt is dying and i also cant cope i look after her full time and i do not no what im going to dowhat age r u

May 25, 2009 - 22:01

ruth1 wrote:
Hi Lucy
I am most definitely listening to you but I can't find the right words to console you. All I can say is I am so sorry you are going through this. We haven't been told my mum's cancer is terminal yet, but I think we are not too far from that point now. I am 21 and still live with my mum. My dad left us a long time ago and she did everything for us. She is the center of my life, and of my brother's lives, and I can't imagine how we will feel when we come to be in your position. I don't think there is anything I could say to make you feel better, except maybe that you are not alone in your pain and that maybe posting here and talking to people who are in similar situations will be helpful to you. Also, it sounds like it would be a great idea if you did go to talk to someone. I just read on the ICS website that they provide free counselling sessions for family members of patients. Maybe that would be suitable for you?

Hi Ruth,

I wrote this some time ago and haven't returned to the site. I feel so much happier to see that there are people the same as me and who have actually taken the time to write back - it's really really touching. I'm 22- I can't remember if I wrote that or not. I didn't realise they had free counseling services. I will look into it, definitely. Although, I know it probably sounds really bad but I'm nearly embarrassed to admit to people that I'd be going. My mum and I have such a crap relationship, I've never been one to share things with her. My older sister told me that my mum suggested to her about looking into counselling for me but as she told me she kind of laughed at this going 'you don't need that, what's she on about'.
Also, I have been making more of an effort to spend time with dad. Although he now mostly stays in bed all day and has lost all energy. Everytime I go in to check on him when he's sleeping I find myself in tears as soon as I leave the room.
It's obviously terrible for you as well though, to see your mum, your sole parent so ill. But you have no idea how reassuring it feels to know that others, like you are going through roughly the same emotions as me. But you never know, your mum could live for many more years. (I don't know the situation so I don't want to assume anything by the way, but my heart goes out to you!). I have the fear of my dad not understanding just how much I love him but I find it almost impossible to say it. Although one night I did go into him and just burst out crying and threw my arms around him. He was wondering why I was so upset!

I hope you have someone to talk to and that you and your brothers are all working together on this one. I'm not the holyest of people but I will keep you in my prayers! x

May 25, 2009 - 22:02

ruth1 wrote:
Hi Lucy
I am most definitely listening to you but I can't find the right words to console you. All I can say is I am so sorry you are going through this. We haven't been told my mum's cancer is terminal yet, but I think we are not too far from that point now. I am 21 and still live with my mum. My dad left us a long time ago and she did everything for us. She is the center of my life, and of my brother's lives, and I can't imagine how we will feel when we come to be in your position. I don't think there is anything I could say to make you feel better, except maybe that you are not alone in your pain and that maybe posting here and talking to people who are in similar situations will be helpful to you. Also, it sounds like it would be a great idea if you did go to talk to someone. I just read on the ICS website that they provide free counselling sessions for family members of patients. Maybe that would be suitable for you?

Hi Ruth,

I wrote this some time ago and haven't returned to the site. I feel so much happier to see that there are people the same as me and who have actually taken the time to write back - it's really really touching. I'm 22- I can't remember if I wrote that or not. I didn't realise they had free counseling services. I will look into it, definitely. Although, I know it probably sounds really bad but I'm nearly embarrassed to admit to people that I'd be going. My mum and I have such a crap relationship, I've never been one to share things with her. My older sister told me that my mum suggested to her about looking into counselling for me but as she told me she kind of laughed at this going 'you don't need that, what's she on about'.
Also, I have been making more of an effort to spend time with dad. Although he now mostly stays in bed all day and has lost all energy. Everytime I go in to check on him when he's sleeping I find myself in tears as soon as I leave the room.
It's obviously terrible for you as well though, to see your mum, your sole parent so ill. But you have no idea how reassuring it feels to know that others, like you are going through roughly the same emotions as me. But you never know, your mum could live for many more years. (I don't know the situation so I don't want to assume anything by the way, but my heart goes out to you!). I have the fear of my dad not understanding just how much I love him but I find it almost impossible to say it. Although one night I did go into him and just burst out crying and threw my arms around him. He was wondering why I was so upset!

I hope you have someone to talk to and that you and your brothers are all working together on this one. I'm not the holyest of people but I will keep you in my prayers! x

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