Hearing that cancer has spread to another part of your body can be a huge shock. We can help and support you if you have a diagnosis of metastatic cancer.
It can be a huge shock to hear that cancer has spread to another part of your body. It can feel very different and even more overwhelming than a diagnosis of a localised cancer. For some people, their first diagnosis is a diagnosis of metastatic cancer.
In time, most people come through the initial shock and upset and find a way to cope.
Being told you have metastatic cancer can set off overwhelming emotions of shock, disbelief and grief. Some people describe feeling devastated. Sometimes you may feel very low, while at other times you may feel very positive and hopeful. Feeling very up and down, as if you are on a rollercoaster ride, does not mean you are not coping.
Knowing that your cancer will not be cured can take away hope, but even if a cancer cannot be cured it can often be effectively controlled. People can live with metastatic cancer for many years.
Some people find their daily lives are not affected very much. While some treatments can have some unpleasant side-effects, often metastatic cancer can be treated like a long-term illness, which causes problems from time to time.
I had overwhelming feelings of shock, disbelief, sadness, fear and anxiety. I grieved for all the things I thought the cancer would take from me, and the future I had imagined, [but] I’ve been living with secondary breast cancer for 13 years and lead a full, active life.
Fear is one of the most common reactions for people who get a diagnosis of metastatic cancer.
Many people think the worst when they are told that their cancer has spread, and the first thing they think about is dying. No one knows how long anybody will live, but with metastatic cancer your life may be shorter than if the cancer had not spread.
Some cancers can be controlled for a number of years with modern treatments, and new treatments are being developed all the time, so it is possible to live with metastatic cancer for a long time.
If you have questions about what will happen next or how long you will live, we have more information on asking about your prognosis what might happen with your illness, including life expectancy).
Another fear about cancer is pain. Even if you do get pain, there are many different types of very effective painkillers to control it. We have information on managing pain.
Everyone copes or adjusts to their diagnosis in their own way. If you find that you're struggling to cope or you’re feeling anxious or depressed, don’t suffer in silence. There are many places to go for help:
Many people find it very reassuring to talk to other people who are in a similar situation and facing similar challenges.
Local cancer support services provide a range of helpful services such as counselling, complementary therapies, exercise programmes and other activities. They can also give you practical advice and support. Some also have metastatic cancer support groups.
We have information on local cancer support services, or call our Support Line on 1800 200 700 for information on services and support groups in your area.
There are a number of hospital-based services that can help you. For example:
Peer Support is a free and confidential telephone service connecting people with similar cancer experiences. If you have a cancer diagnosis, you can be matched with a Peer Support volunteer who has had a similar cancer journey. Peer Support volunteers are fully trained to provide emotional and practical cancer support in a safe, responsible and kind way.
Call 1800 200 700 for more information or visit a Daffodil Centre. Ask if you can be put in contact with a volunteer who is living with metastatic cancer.
There are special websites called online communities where people with cancer can write questions, share stories, and give and receive advice and support. Join the Irish Cancer Society online community.
It can be a great weight off your mind to share your feelings and concerns. You could talk to a friend or family member if you feel comfortable doing so. You could also speak to a specialist nurse in confidence by dropping in to a Daffodil Centre or calling the Irish Cancer Society Support Line on 1800 200 700. Our booklet Understanding the Emotional Effects of Cancer has tips to help you talk about your cancer.
Caring for yourself and your mental health can help you to feel more positive and in control.
Exercising can boost your mood and improve your energy levels. The type and amount of exercise you can do will depend on how you are, but even a little physical activity is better than none. Talk to your doctor or nurse about which activities are safe and suitable for you.
Knowing what to expect can help to relieve anxiety and stress for some people. If it makes you anxious, ask a friend or relative to find out for you and tell you the important things.
Writing can help you to express your feelings, especially if you can't talk about them with other people.
You may find that if you do things for yourself it helps to make you feel more independent and in control.
Breathing exercises, visualisation or meditation can help with anxiety. Some cancer support centres provide groups to help you learn these techniques.
For some people praying or talking to a leader or a member of your religious faith can be a way to find strength and meaning in times of stress.
Cancer can bring a lot of uncertainty into your life. It can be very difficult to face an uncertain future and feel you are no longer in control. One way to reduce stress of uncertainty is to make your plans day by day. Letting go of the past and not worrying about the future allows you to live fully in the present.
Complementary therapies like meditation, aromatherapy and massage may help to relieve the symptoms and side-effects of treatment and help you cope with fear and anxiety. More about complementary therapies and cancer.
Many people find it puts their mind at rest to have medical plans in place and sort out legal and practical matters, even though they still hope to live for a long time. Planning ahead is useful for everyone, whether they have an illness or not. Read some advice about making medical and legal plans.
Get help if you’re struggling emotionally
If you feel overwhelmed or you depressed, it is important to get help. Counselling can be very helpful if you are finding it hard to cope. Talk to your nurse or doctor or ask our Support Line and Daffodil Centre nurses about our counselling service.
Telling family and friends that you have metastatic cancer can be very difficult. It may mean dealing with their upset or worries as well as your own. You may feel guilty, feeling that you are causing them to be upset or worried. If you’re finding it difficult to talk about your cancer, our booklet Understanding the emotional effects of cancer can help.
If you have a partner they are probably experiencing similar emotions to you. Cancer can bring you closer together or sometimes it can challenge a relationship that previously felt secure.
Talking about your feelings and fears can be very painful and this can make communication difficult at a time when talking openly is important. We have advice on talking about cancer and tips for communicating.
If you have problems working through issues it may be helpful to contact a social worker or counsellor. Talk to your GP or specialist nurse about this. We fund free counselling remotely and in person at local cancer support centres.
You can also speak to a cancer nurse in confidence by calling the Irish Cancer Society Support Line on 1800 200 700. You can also email the nurses at supportline@irishcancer.ie. Our nurses can also arrange counselling for you.
Talking to children and teenagers about cancer is difficult. When you have metastatic cancer it can be even harder. Because your natural reaction is to protect your children, you may be tempted to say that everything will be fine. But in the long run, it is best not to give children false hope.
One question that most parents dread is ‘Are you going to die?’
Here are some suggestions for ways you might want to respond to the question:
Even with metastatic cancer it is still important to balance hope with reality. By helping children face death together as a family, you are likely to help them adjust and recover from their grief quicker.
At this time you will want to consider what is important for you, how you want to spend the time and how your children can be involved.
We have a free booklet called Talking to your children about cancer. It has practical advice, with specific tips for talking to different age groups. It also has information on supporting children and teenagers and helping them to deal with their emotions. If you would like a copy or more advice, call our Support Line on 1800 200 700, visit a Daffodil Centre or download it below.
No one knows how long anybody will live, but with metastatic cancer your life may be shorter than if the cancer had not spread.
If you know that your cancer cannot be cured, it is natural to think about how long you might live. If you have questions about what will happen next or how long you will live, we have more information on asking about your prognosis (the likely outcome of your illness).
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