Caring for someone with cancer
posted by cloggie64
27 April 2021

Anticipatory grief

Last reply: 03 July 2021 19:22

Hi, I am new to the group and hope to find out how you are all dealing with the highs/lows and the uncertainty that comes with caring for someone with a terminal cancer diagnosis. My husband, 48 years old, was diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer on the day of our first lockdown (12th of March 2020). He had to start chemo immediately, which showed good results initially, but stopped working back in January. He is now on a different, weekly, chemo course. Throughout this difficult year, he has been through so much with side effects, adverse reactions to some medications, pain, mood swings, etc. Seeing him go through all this, is so hard and I feel utterly powerless at times. I am lucky to have good friends and family around me and their support is amazing, but I still feel completely alone at times. Not sure if that makes sense. I had a GP consult today as I am feeling exhausted all the time and he mentioned that I could be going through anticipatory grief. He suggested talking to a counselor, which I have tried before, but I do not seem to be able to connect with this counselor. Its also hard to talk on the phone to someone you never seen in person. Is there anyone on this forum going through these same feelings? How are you coping with it? I would love to hear from you.

3 comments

Comments

commented by LJH
02 May 2021

02 May 2021 01:53

Hi Cloggie,

It's so hard to chat to anyone on anything about any of this. I'm in a similar situation and I understand where you are coming from. Since iv joined iv just been reading posts and not posting myself. You where very brave to post and you are not alone there are people all over the country and world going through situations like yours. I'm here if you need an ear or need to vent ❤

commented by Cancer Nurse
05 May 2021

05 May 2021 09:49

Hi

I am so sorry to read of the very distressing time you are going through. It must be so difficult and the restrictions and isolation as a result of COVID 19 are making it so much harder to bear.

I do hope you will hear from others here and how they cope.

It is possible to arrange a video call with a counsellor & if you found you didn’t connect with the counsellor you spoke to before we can make other arrangements or suggestions. You might also encourage your husband to seek support from a psychologist in the hospital he is attending for his weekly treatment ( or through us here) which in turn might help you knowing he too is getting support.

If you phone our support line and speak to a cancer nurse we will try to support you through this very difficult time. Our number is 1800 200 700 & we are here Mon- Fri 9-5pm.

Kind regards  

 

Cancer Nurse | Irish Cancer Society.
 

commented by Spange70
03 July 2021

03 July 2021 19:22

Hi cloggie64
I’m also in same position. Husband has metastatic melanoma diagnosed in March 17th of this year. Watching him go through radiotherapy to the brain and now immunotheray is simply awful. I know how that feels. A trip to A&E was the worst after suffering from a huge seizure 3 weeks ago. I still have a lot of hope but some days I just let the anticipatory grief take over and I become a different person. I find I get angry a lot when he can’t do some basic things but it’s anger at the cancer, not him. Anger at how awful this disease is. It is life changing. Hopes and dreams have literally disintegrated to be replaced by 24/7 caring of side affects from treatment, trips to the hospital and counting out pills.
But the only thing that has helped is to take one day at a time. If I go beyond that, I start to lose my footing. I just go from one day to the next, and one appointment to the next and make each moment count with my husband. Little things like a chat over a cup of tea, I cherish now. But yes, anticipatory grief is huge and it’s real. Terminal cancer is real. The only thing we can control now is how we spend our days, I think. I try to get out to feel a few normal moments which helps quite a bit.

Hope you’re doing ok cloggie64 and if you need to chat, feel free to reach out.

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